You Know Who's a Bitch?

Zola is a bitch.  Or zora.  Whatever you want to call he/she/it.  They suck so much.

Fig. 1 - Fuuuuuck, I hate you!

At the outset, you have 3 heart containers, a wooden sword, a janky shield that might as well be made of crispy bacon, and a propensity for ramming oktoroks from behind as you learn to manipulate a controller that was built neither for ergonomics or adult hands.  Any map with water has a zola, and no creature has killed me more times.  While you're running around trying to dodge leevers, zolas are casually hurling flaming balls of death in your general direction, which you can't block without the magic shield.  While you could, in theory, avoid the fiery artillery bombardment, it is difficult to do in practice.

One thing in your favor is the fact that the AI that aims the fireballs is piss poor.  Seriously, if you just stand still, zolas will miss you about 10% of the time (I know because I did it).

However, by far the most frustrating thing about these fishy bitches is Link's inability to do anything about their existence.  They pop up in random locations, so you can't sit and wait.  Unless you have full hearts (unlikely if you're on a map with a zola), you can't zap it at range with your magic-sword-throw power.  Even if you do manage to hit, it takes 5 strikes with your toothpick to kill it off.  At that point, it's not worth waiting around and dodging its multicolored balls (unlike your typical Saturday night in the Castro).

I will say the most satisfying achievement I've earned to date is picking up the White Sword, which does double damage, which means you can kill zolas with one strike.

Fig. 2 - Thanks for the sword, old man.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a mer-asshole.

So my advice to you, novice LoZ player, is to get the White Sword and become a zola sushi master ASAP.  You only need 5 heart containers to get it, so you can do this after beating levels 1 and 2 (or even finding some of the random ones in the Overworld).  Save up for the magic shield first.  Zolas become a non-issue pretty quickly.

The First Labyrinth

Sadly, of all the ridiculous things I remembered from playing LoZ roughly 30 years ago, the location of the first labyrinth, known as "The Eagle", was not one of them.  I had to brute force my way through pretty much the entirety of the Overworld before stumbling upon this most secret of fortresses (Fig. 1).

Fig. 1 - FINALLY

Okay, so it's not that secretive, but it was still a thrill.  Upon entering, that spooky, 8-bit dungeon music evoked some serious nostalgia.  I remember playing late at night and being scared shitless at every turn.  Among the enemies that caused me grief: keese, stalfos, and boomerang-wielding goriya!  That's right, son.  Kill a few of these bad boys and you get a boomerang to wield yourself!

I also found a bow, but I refuse to pay rupees for arrows.  Still saving up for that blue ring, suckaz!

Overall, The Eagle is a decently-constructed level.  It was fine in terms of difficulty (probably way easier if you go in there with the blue ring), and was a solid introduction into some dungeon mechanics (bombing walls, pushing blocks to open doors).  The two knocks I give it are the fight with Aquamentus and the extremely unhelpful old man in Fig. 2 (granted his first language probably isn't English).

Fig. 2 - Thanks, dumbass, but I already found the map AND the compass!

I went into the fight with Aquamentus with less-than-full hearts, which means I didn't have magic-sword-throw-power at my disposal.  I also had neither arrows nor magic shield because cheap-ass (cf. blue ring comment above).  Basically, I had no way to attack it and no way to block its fireballs.  So I bombed its ass back to a time more primitive than the pseudo-medieval world encapsulated in Hyrule by the creators of the Legend of Zelda series for various Nintendo video game systems, boyeeeeeeee!

Two bombs later, I was holding a piece of the Triforce With Wisdom (or With Wisdom, holding a piece of the Triforce) aloft in my tiny elven hands.  It was an achievement as glorious as can be imagined, and for the first time in a long time I felt important.  Like a doctor.  Or a realtor.

I exited The Eagle flush with victory and a new heart container.  On to the second labyrinth (after I get my blue ring)!

Of course.

Of course, the day after my NES arrived in the mail, Nintendo announced this.  What are the odds they would choose to reveal the Classic the day after I got an old school version?  The whole thing has a conspiratorial air to it.

At first, I was quite upset.  HDMI out is a big deal.  But then I realized the lack of flexibility of this device.  No Contra, no Batman, a highly-sanitized version of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! (Who the hell is Mr. Dream??), and only 1 instance of Mega Man.  The 30 games included with the Classic are top-notch, but there are many other games I'd like to play on the NES, which I can probably acquire relatively easily.  I think I made the right choice.

At minimum, the announcement of the Classic makes me realize I'm not alone when succumbing to video game nostalgia.  I just take more initiative than most people in actuating on it.

Inception

My NES and games arrived yesterday!  A pleasant surprise considering they were supposed to have arrived on Friday.

Setup was pretty simple.  My receiver has RCA connections for L and R audio, plus video.  Weirdly, the NES only has one audio-out channel, so I'm only getting sound out of one speaker.  Not exactly 7.1 surround sound here, but it will do the job.

I popped in LoZ and was greeted with an image I had not seen in a long time:

Fig. 1 - OMFG

Man, when that music started playing it was like hearing the siren song of an old friend who was really bad at similes.  I almost cried and/or ejaculated (like I usually do during sex).  Check out that waterfall.  That is some 8-bit graphical mastery there.  And what is with the hexagonal columnar rock features?  Is this Giant's Causeway?  Hyrule has everything.

Just in case you forgot the plot, Fig. 2 explains all in some classically bad translated English.

Fig. 2 - WTF?

I'm not entirely sure what any of this means, but I think I'm supposed to fight Prince Darkness Gannon, who either stole a Triforce with power; or stole, with power, a Triforce.  And why are there quotes around the 8s?  Is that not a real number?  So much left unexplained.  But whatever.  I created a new game instance (Fig. 3) and got to work saving Princess Zelda and discovering the "8" pieces of the Triforce With Wisdom (or, with wisdom, discovering the "8" pieces of the Triforce).

Fig. 3 - I had to delete someone's saved games from my used copy of LoZ.  Can you imagine, in this day and age, the potential repercussions of leaving your game data on a second-hand item you just sold?  It's like someone just sent me Hillary Clinton's email server via USPS.

I have to say, LoZ is hard.  I must have died "20" times trying to find the level "1" dungeon.  The NES controllers are terribly unresponsive and the ones I acquired have the sensitivity of Donald Trump at a Ramadan party (bipartisan jokes, you guys).  By the end of my first LoZ session, I started getting a little better at anticipating monster movement and sword thrusts, but it didn't help much.  Running around Hyrule with only "3" heart containers, a wooden sword, and a shield made of gumption is a surefire way to get killed.

Guns don't kill people.  Tektites kill people.

In any case, I was surprised by how much I remembered regarding secrets within the game after "30" years.  For example, after earning the requisite "60" rupees (yes, that is the name of the currency in Hyrule, because in "1986" no one knew what an "India" was) to buy the blue candle, I found a bush I remembered having to burn in order to get to a secret room.  I knew there would be good reason to hold on to that fact forever!  My ineptitude prevented me from reaching some other hidden things, but that's probably for the best.  I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.

What I couldn't remember was the location of the first dungeon, which I stumbled upon only after getting my elven ass handed to me a dozen times by a Zola (J'accuse, son!).  More on my misadventures in the first dungeon in my next post.

Adventures in Hyrule

I'm really good at starting blogs, but I'm really bad at maintaining them.  I imagine that will be the case with this one, so try not to get too invested in my ramblings.

I've decided to recapture my youth and play through the entire Zelda franchise, each game on its original console.  This is going to take a lot of time, effort and money.  However, I'm really good at wasting, expending and spending those things, so hopefully this won't prove too daunting.

I started playing video games in the early 80s.  My family had an Atari 800 (with a keyboard!) that ushered me into the world of Asteroids, Moon Patrol, Pitfall, Pole Position, Joust, et al.  Over the years, I graduated to the 2600 and even the 7800, before my completely disruptive experience with Nintendo.

The Legend of Zelda series, in particular, opened my eyes to a brave new world of gaming.  This was the first time I'd played a video game with a main character who grew stronger and developed over time.  The story lines were complex, rich, inventive and encouraged you to explore and discover new things.  As far as I know, the original Legend of Zelda was the first console game that allowed you to save your progress and continue the story where you left off after your parents made you shut it down for the night.  Revolutionary!

My adventures in Hyrule began today with the purchase of a used, refurbished Nintendo Entertainment System, replete with 2 controllers, the Zapper gun, all the requisite cables, and a Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt cartridge (Fig. 1).

Fig. 1 - Aw, yeah, homie!

In a separate purchase, I also acquired the most important parts of this saga's inception: the actual NES games The Legend of Zelda (LoZ) and Zelda II: The Adventures of Link (AoL) (Fig. 2).  These bad boys will supposedly be shipped on July 15, so hopefully I'll have an update shortly thereafter.

Fig. 2 - It is ON like... Donkey Kong?  Or something like that.

I'm excited to relate my experiences here as I traverse the complex history of Hyrule and its denizens.  I have to imagine there will be updates on other old Nintendo games I've played (Contra, anyone?), but my primary focus will be the Zelda series.  Also, check out the Resources page to see how I'm defining the canonical Zelda games.

May the Triforce be with you!